Saturday, December 9, 2017

Next time you order

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. 
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. 
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza 
last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, 
the last 12 times you 
called you ordered an extra-large 
pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, 
mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE:May I suggest that this time you order 
a pizza with ricotta, arugula,sun-dried tomatoes and 
olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE:Well, we cross-referenced your home phone 
number with your medical records.. 
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 
CALLER:Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable 
pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:Excuse me sir, but you have not taken 
your medication regularly. 
According to our database, you only purchased a 
box of 30 cholesterol 
tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago..
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according
 to your bank statement. 
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:That doesn’t show on your last tax return 
unless you bought them using an undeclared 
income source, which is against the law.
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information 
only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, 
Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.
I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, 
where there is no cell phone service and no one to 
watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your
passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

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